Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are ‘It might have been.’
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Cat’s Cradle (via aquaticwonder)
(Two years ago, my first love wrote this in a card for me. We had already been broken up for many, many years. While I know things never would have worked out between us and I wouldn’t change anything about our present day long distance friendship, this quote will continue to tug at my heart.)
know that I’m going through a “friend break-up”. I have to admit, it’s much like a romantic relationship break-up, and here’s why:
I can forget about her and talk shit about her with my friends, but the second I see something pop up on her Facebook page, my heart sinks. I’d almost rather have it be like she doesn’t exist at all, and this has been a trend of mine when I have gone through losing someone in the past - especially with Shawn. Wow I just almost spelled his name S-e-a-n. That was weird. His name used to carry such weight. It made me sick to my stomach to even look at it. Now, it’s just a name that doesn’t really mean anything to me. Anyway, I want her to be invisible, and that’s not exactly fair. Yet, I continue to feel anger rise within me every time I see her picture, or baby Freddie - who, by the way, has a new godmother. Really fuckin’ nice. I mean, I know Steffani is pissed at me, because of course, I’m the bad guy. I’m the one who walked out of her life, and for that I must pay. My gut instinct is that she has done this to hurt me, but that’s selfish. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know. Most likely, though, she has given her son a new godmother because this chick is the only person who will stand to be around Steffani right now. This girl is young and probably enables Steffani’s drug habit (or at least tolerates it, which to me is the same thing). Whatever the reason, it still stings.
Reiterating my last post about her, I wish I could have my old friend back. I know that’s not possible because everything I enjoyed and respected about her is gone and probably always will be. Ugh. I know that I want her friendship for selfish reasons, too: I want to share all of the good things in my life with her! I know I have others I can do this with, but it’s not the same. She was someone I clung to for comfort, someone I had been through so much with (and vice versa), and now that my life is going better than I could have ever planned, my best friend isn’t my best friend anymore. My sister - she always called me her sister. I guess new-godmother-chick is her sister now. Blah. I don’t know. This sucks. It’s difficult to swallow because it hurts, and even though I know I have done what is best for myself and my family, that doesn’t make it much easier or take the pain of losing her away. And now it’s so awkward whenever her parents come to my band’s shows because part of me wants to ask them about her and the other part wants to hide until they leave.
When I was a little girl, I never had a best friend. Not until Steffani came along. Sure, I’d had a solid group of girl friends in high school, but mostly I hung out with boys. People thought it was weird, but not me. Even my mom would say shit like “There is something wrong with a girl who doesn’t have any other girl friends”. I was always scrounging - who can I get to stay by my side? With whom can I share all of my secrets and trade clothes and have sleepovers? She was never there, and then I met Steff. She was younger than me by five years - she looked up to me. She thought I was the best thing since skinny jeans. We bonded immediately over music and boys and poetry. I watched her grow up. She WAS like my sister. She was.
I don’t want to talk about this any more.
- I want to get into using gemstones and crystals in conjunction with meditation.
- I need to be kinder to myself.
- My dreams have been bizarre/vivid the past few nights. Lots of symbolism. Mostly telling me that I am stressing the fuck out emotionally, which is absolutely true.
- I want a dog. Real bad.
- I love my family more than anything. My two loves are the most important people to me.<3
That your utter lack of self-worth, self-respect, and self-love might have something to do with all of your “failures”?
When you say you are “nothing”, you become nothing.
When you profess yourself as a “failure”, then so you are.
I’m not sure why this hasn’t been spoken of before, or if it has, why this concept has been given no thought.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
The truest statement in the world.
Love yourself, respect yourself. No one will unless you do first.
a considerable amount lately. It seems to be all around me in some way or another — the fear for my father’s health, friends who are majorly down on themselves, a friend on Facebook who recently passed — and I’m wondering why it’s been such a prominent thought in my mind.
I can count on one hand the number of funerals I’ve been to for people who I’d consider to be very close to me (just three). I realize that as we get older, I’ll only have to go to more of them, but, and bear with me here — when did I become so afraid of how the deaths of those I know and love will effect me?
I feel comfortable admitting and acknowledging that I’m really only afraid of death in two circumstances: 1) the death of my parents, and 2) the death of myself or Brendan (or Devin, for that matter) in an untimely fashion. I think about this pretty often. Devin, not so much because truthfully I can’t even go there in my brain, but my parents and Brendan come up frequently. It’s scary to think about how much would change if these people ceased to exist, which brings me to my next point…
I need to stop being so afraid of what death means for me as an individual. When I was in third grade my friend Jonathan Crouse died of — actually, I can’t even remember how he died. He needed a new kidney or something and his mother was in surgery to give him her’s but he passed before the transplant could be done…or something to that nature. I was eight, okay? Anyway, my family had been on vacation in Disney World when he died. When we got home, my mom found out and told me and I was devastated. I kept thinking that if I had been home (how irrational is this, even at eight years old) that I could’ve saved him. I was obsessed with his death. I cried about it a lot, for a long period of time. Months. I’d even talk to him at night after I’d gotten tucked in. God, I’m just now realizing how strange this is and how I’ve never told anyone about this before. Guess Tumblr’s as good a place as any at this point. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling in my little eight year old brain that I could have done something to prevent his passing (obviously, I could not have).
When I was 21, my friend Zion committed suicide. Again, I felt a sense of responsibility. Why hadn’t I reached out to him? Why didn’t I pick up on the fact that something must have been wrong? It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I finally started to accept the fact that this was out of my hands. I was never in control of his fate, and why should I even pretend like I have that much power over anyone? It’s not about me. Whatever was going on with Zion, there was nothing I could do to stop him. And that’s okay. I’m okay with that now.
So, how will I react when my parents go? I don’t know, but it’s important to me that I don’t assign blame to myself or act as a victim, as if their passings were used as some manipulative plot to mess me up.
When I die I just want everyone to throw a big party. You can get a lifesize cut out of me, too. I’ll party with ya. It’ll be great.
The anxiety is back, and along with it, the anger and frustration of my fear. This will never be over. I will never have peace. I keep telling myself the opposite, hoping that one day I will have convinced myself that this will not haunt me anymore, but it does and it will.
I wish I had never gotten that letter. I wish it had gotten lost in the postal service mail room. I wish I didn’t know that he has gotten it, too. I wish I didn’t know that he will be tempted to take action just to piss me off, make waves, ruin my peace of mind that for two fucking years, I have spent time and money to rebuild. I wish I could actually not worry about what may or may not even happen at all. Sometimes, I wish he were dead. That’s horrible. Isn’t it? I don’t know anymore.
Thursday can’t come soon enough. I really need to talk all of this out, but writing this is a good start.
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I saw him on my way to my appointment. We were in our cars at a stop light, and our eyes met. He quickly looked away, but I couldn’t stop staring. I found that I was actually laughing to myself. As soon as the light turned green, he sped off. My heart was pounding, but I felt strong again. This is the first time in over two years that I have seen him.
Things I have been reminded of today:
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some really good insight on pretty much the only insecurity I have in my relationship and I have to say, I feel better.
I won’t allow myself to feel threatened by someone who feels the need to attempt risking another person’s happiness for their own selfish gain. It’s not going to work, and I know that.
I won’t give this situation attention anymore because it’s not worth my time. Little girls will be little girls, and there’s nothing I can do but keep doin’ mah thang. And I’m okay with that.
Our love is stronger than any volume of jealousy imaginable. Can’t you see? We’ve already won.
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I had the strange yet confident urge to take off the rings on my left hand. I had worn one on my middle finger for years, since I was a teenager as far as I can remember, but the one that I kept on my ring finger was purchased shortly after Devin was born. I was tired of strangers silently (or not so, in some instances) judging me for being a single mother. I thought, “I’ll just get a simple sterling silver band that looks like it may or may not be a wedding band. Then they’ll leave me alone.”
Looking back what saddens me most is not the fact that I bought a ring to trick others into believing I did not have a child “out of wedlock” (does anyone really even use that phrase anymore? It feels so stuffy and outdated), but rather, the fact that it worked. I received not nearly as many dirty looks, snide comments, I was even asked where my husband was a couple times.
Ain’t that some shit?
I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have a boyfriend whom I have every intention of marrying one day, or maybe I just stopped giving a shit. Either way, I’m glad I took off the rings, especially that silver band. I don’t need a prop anymore.
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I leave for OBX and will be staying with Brendan and a bunch of our friends in a rental house for five whole days.
My heart hurts thinking about leaving Devin. It will be the longest time we’ve ever spent apart.
I know she will be more than well taken care of - I trust my parents and Bren’s parents undoubtedly. It’s just — she’s my baby!! Sniffle.
On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve ever been so giddy to do things I haven’t done since before Devin was born, namely SLEEP IN. I never thought I’d be so excited about sleeping lol. I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want and have ME time and let me tell you, I am the luckiest girl in the entire universe.
It’s so weird (in a good way) to have two sets of parents now who are not only willing but EXCITED to watch Devin overnight. I just never thought it would happen. I’d succumbed to the fact that Dev and I would have my parents and my sisters and that would be our family for the rest of our lives (or at least until she was grown and had her own family). I never could have imagined that these wonderful, kind, generous people would come into our world and change everything I had settled into believing would be my reality. I am so, so thankful and it makes me cry when I think about how undeniably fortunate my sweet daughter and I are.
She is growing so fast. She’s like this real little human being now, with thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes, good moods and bad. She is incredible in ways I had only ever imagined her to be before she came into the world, and to see them come into fruition is nothing short of miraculous. How this tiny, 5 lb. 3 oz baby girl turned my life upside down in one fell swoop, I cannot explain, except to say that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is life and blood and hope and humanity and I am so proud to be her mother.
Okay, now I’m on the verge of sobbing so I’m going to end it here lol.
My life is turning out to be indescribably better than I had planned.
Damnit, Jackie. Stop crying.
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